Ethan-ism

Alright, so the Christmas pictures will have to wait... We went to Sprint to get new phones tonight and decided on Culver's (drive-thru) for a late dinner. Yum. Ruby was eating some of Bumpa's venison sausage instead of Culver's, and we found a mustard seed in it. I used the opportunity to tell Ethan about the scripture comparing one's faith to the size of a mustard seed (Matthew 17:20 "²⁰He said to them, "Because of your little faith. For truly, I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you." ~English Standard Version.)

I set the mustard seed down in front of him on the table. I asked him, "Is your faith as big as this mustard seed?"

Ethan giggled and said, "No, it's bigger than that!!!"

I looked at him and wondered why he was giggling. When he repeated my question, I realized why immediately.

"If your face is as big as a mustard seed?" (more giggles.)

Oh boy...

I just couldn't stop laughing at that one.

And the thought of moving a mountain with your face is more than a little humorous to me as well. No wonder he was giggling. And giggling.

Christmas List

As I was cleaning out the toy room downstairs a few days ago, I started thinking about how cluttered our house has gotten since we moved in a few years ago. So much stuff. Lots of toys. Lots of clutter.
I know we don't need this much stuff. I was semi-gladly stuffing toys in boxes to donate to Salvation Army. What to get rid of, what to keep? Some of it had sentimental value. Some did not. Some my kids still loved to play with. Some, not so much. Decisions, decisions. Why is this so hard?
And then I thought, "Come Christmas morning, there will be more toys, more clutter."
Sigh.
I began to think of what is on my 6-year-old's Christmas list. Or should I say lists? Toys, toys and more toys. I had a talk with him that Mommy is going to be going through all of the toys downstairs and separating toys out to give away to other children. At first he was horrified, but when I explained how some children don't have many toys and he has been blessed with more than he can play with, we should get rid of some, and give to others who will be happy to play with them. And there would be room for new toys, then.
That he understood.
I was thinking this all through as I was sorting toys... And of how if it were my husband doing the sorting that much more would be going in the box to donate.
And it struck me.
Why do we hold onto things that make our lives messy? And then invite even more in? Why is it so hard to just put the toys in the box? I know full well that my children's lives will be filled with other things. That they will not be left without. There will be room for new, wonderful, exciting things.
Oh how my life is the same way...
I hold on to things I need to let go of.
Seriously. We probably all do, no?
So I began making a new Christmas List in my head. And now it's time to write it down and share it. Because writing it down, and sharing it, makes it much more real, you know?
This Christmas list is not of things I want to gain, but of things I want to rid my life of. Because I do not need them, and it is pointless to foolishly hold on to what I do not need. More than that, these things not only clutter my life, they can be harmful. They can block out the good.
This year for Christmas I want to rid myself of things that clutter my life and pull me down. Things that irritate me easily. I want to get rid of my laziness and my complacency. My indifference. I want to get rid of my judgmental attitudes. I want to get rid of my fears, the silly ones and the not-so-silly ones. I want to get rid of all the ugliness I carry around.
Why have I held onto these things? Good question. Why?
I don't know.
But I do know that I can choose to let it go, or I can choose to hold on to it. I can give it to God. I can ask for a fresh start.
And for those things I have a hard time letting go of (because face it, this is no easy task,) I can ask for His help.
And in letting go of the old, ugly parts...
I can be filled again. With hope, with kindness, with patience, with love.
And I won't have to look back with regret over the old...
Because I won't miss it.

What is on your Christmas list this year?

Purpose

It's late, and I'm tired. However, it's my night off and the house is quiet, so I decided now might be a good time to write a post uninterrupted for a change. Perhaps I can get some things written down and off my mind so I will sleep better.

I've had trouble falling asleep for about as long as I can remember. It isn't always bad; the severity seems to come and go. But I've never been one to hit the pillow and conk out. When I was little, it was because I was afraid that the house would start on fire and I wouldn't be able to escape. Now that I'm older, I'm afraid of things like our house starting on fire and my kids not being able to escape. Seriously. At times it is nearly a paralyzing fear... either I fight to stay awake and listen to every sound, or I am afraid enough to lie there wide awake, staring at the door.

These fears (among others, but I won't go into them all, lest y'all think I'm entirely looney) are a big part of what prompted me to begin this blog in the first place. And so far, I've been pretty hush about it. Even my family - okay, even my husband - isn't that aware of it. Because I mostly keep it to myself.

A couple of weeks ago, I read a great post on Angie Smith's blog (Bring the Rain). Those of you who read her blog know that she has a rare gift for writing from her heart and truly reaching out to her readers. (Those of you not already reading her blog - I strongly recommend it! You will be blessed!)

I have spent a lot of time thinking about that post. And about fear. And how fear binds us. It keeps us from living a fulfilling life, a life of purpose. It becomes a big ugly excuse to not do things we feel prompted to do. We often justify not doing them because we are afraid. Or is it just me?

I doubt it. True, I may be a fearful person. I may even have some irrational fears (such as those little superstitious nagging thoughts about the decorative, colored prints on my daughters' diapers that my sister laughs at me about!:) However, I know I am not alone in this. (Well, I very well may be alone in the diaper-color fear!)

Another area of my life where I have been fearful is my faith. I tend to mainly keep it to myself. I have friends who would be surprised to hear that I love Jesus. (Especially if I were the one saying it, perhaps?) I know this comes partly from a fear of conflict, and a fear of others treating me differently because they think I will judge them or think I am better than them. It is truly sad that Christians have this reputation. And it is because of people like me... people who are afraid to be themselves. Afraid to speak. Afraid to act. Afraid to reach out in love. Afraid to be criticized. Afraid to appear "intolerant". Afraid to ruffle feathers. Afraid to be who they were meant to be. Afraid to be like Christ. (After all, look how He was treated.)

In the recent hype with the elections, I have read many Facebook status updates, many blog posts and emails of people not afraid to speak their mind on whichever candidate they find (or don't find) most capable. People not afraid to stand up for their beliefs, no matter if they are conservative or liberal.

And me? Aside from a couple of discussions with my immediate family members, I kept fairly quiet. It's not that I don't have strong opinions (a few of you who know me well will say, hey wait a minute... she knows how to speak her mind!) but I do hate conflict. (This is not to say I never get into conflict! I do! Just ask my husband!:)

Lately I have been pondering my purpose in life. And with that, my roles as a wife, mother, co-worker, etc... What career path should I take once my children are all in school? Should I wait until they are all in school? What other activities should I get my kids involved in? How should I balance my time between my family, myself, and God?

What does the future have in store? What does God have in store for me? For my family?

Most days I'm afraid to think about it.

But I'm working on it.