Scary Ride

*Drama alert* :) However - true story, I promise.

Ever been driving a vehicle and suddenly have no control over it? No control over how fast it was going, and no brakes? Sound nerve-wracking?

Well, that is what happened to me last night on my way to work. I never did make it there. I didn't even make it to the end of my street. Well, I nearly did. I nearly made it to the pit at the end of our street.

Here's what happened.

I started the van, and it was running smoothly. Since it wasn't super cold like last week, and I was running a little late, I didn't let it sit and warm up at all, just backed out of the driveway. When I shifted into drive and tried to go forward, the gas pedal didn't work. At all. It wouldn't move. So I tapped it again. Nothing. I tapped it again.

Again, nothing happened.

I am just sitting in the middle of our street, no power. I tap the gas harder.

BIG MISTAKE.

The power suddenly kicks in. Really kicks in. Surges. The engine is racing as loud as a monster truck (keep in mind I drive a '99 honda odyssey - not exactly race car material here!)

And off I go. Like a shot. And I cannot stop. I pump the brakes.

No difference.

Our street is still covered in about 3 inches of half-frozen, kinda slushy, slippery snow. I am swerving slightly (I'm thankful that I could still steer somewhat!) There is a car coming up behind me, and I am in such a panic that I can only think, over and over, "Jesus PLEASE STOP MY CAR! STOP MY CAR! STOP MY CAR!!!!!!" I am going downhill, and I can't stop. I forget about pumping the brakes because it's slippery. Now I'm thinking about that pit at the end of my street. I don't want to see it up close and personal. So I press both feet down on the brake. Still going. Still not stopping. Still sliding. I momentarily consider applying the emergency brake (this was an "emergency", no?) I turn on my hazard flashers to warn the car coming up behind me that I am "having trouble".

I am almost to the end of the street, and I feel like I am slowing, but I cannot stop. The brakes are not able to stop me. The engine is racing very fast. I finally get the car over to the side of the street and notice that the car behind me is much closer. I decide to drive the passenger-side front corner into the snowbank to try to stop me. I stop, but the tires are spinning. The dumb van still wants to GO. I put it in park, and the engine races even higher and I seriously think it is going to blow up. I quickly shut off the ignition.

My heart is racing nearly as fast as the engine, and I am shaking so hard I almost mis-dialed Seth's cell number. I told him something was seriously wrong with the van and I was at the end of the street, and I was walking back up the hill. I called my work and told my supervisor that I was at the very least going to be late... if I could make it in at all. (Another lady ended up working for me, thankfully!)

Seth went down to get the van 10 minutes later and drove it home just fine.

What the heck?

He told me I needed to warm it up.

Huh?

Okay, I can do that, but don't you think something is seriously wrong with this van? I have NEVER had that happen, or even heard of that happening to anyone before.

We are looking into trading it in.

It can't happen soon enough, I say.

I am now going to go warm up the van and try again, work is at 10PM.

Yes, I'm terrified.

Prayers appreciated! :)

Purpose

It's late, and I'm tired. However, it's my night off and the house is quiet, so I decided now might be a good time to write a post uninterrupted for a change. Perhaps I can get some things written down and off my mind so I will sleep better.

I've had trouble falling asleep for about as long as I can remember. It isn't always bad; the severity seems to come and go. But I've never been one to hit the pillow and conk out. When I was little, it was because I was afraid that the house would start on fire and I wouldn't be able to escape. Now that I'm older, I'm afraid of things like our house starting on fire and my kids not being able to escape. Seriously. At times it is nearly a paralyzing fear... either I fight to stay awake and listen to every sound, or I am afraid enough to lie there wide awake, staring at the door.

These fears (among others, but I won't go into them all, lest y'all think I'm entirely looney) are a big part of what prompted me to begin this blog in the first place. And so far, I've been pretty hush about it. Even my family - okay, even my husband - isn't that aware of it. Because I mostly keep it to myself.

A couple of weeks ago, I read a great post on Angie Smith's blog (Bring the Rain). Those of you who read her blog know that she has a rare gift for writing from her heart and truly reaching out to her readers. (Those of you not already reading her blog - I strongly recommend it! You will be blessed!)

I have spent a lot of time thinking about that post. And about fear. And how fear binds us. It keeps us from living a fulfilling life, a life of purpose. It becomes a big ugly excuse to not do things we feel prompted to do. We often justify not doing them because we are afraid. Or is it just me?

I doubt it. True, I may be a fearful person. I may even have some irrational fears (such as those little superstitious nagging thoughts about the decorative, colored prints on my daughters' diapers that my sister laughs at me about!:) However, I know I am not alone in this. (Well, I very well may be alone in the diaper-color fear!)

Another area of my life where I have been fearful is my faith. I tend to mainly keep it to myself. I have friends who would be surprised to hear that I love Jesus. (Especially if I were the one saying it, perhaps?) I know this comes partly from a fear of conflict, and a fear of others treating me differently because they think I will judge them or think I am better than them. It is truly sad that Christians have this reputation. And it is because of people like me... people who are afraid to be themselves. Afraid to speak. Afraid to act. Afraid to reach out in love. Afraid to be criticized. Afraid to appear "intolerant". Afraid to ruffle feathers. Afraid to be who they were meant to be. Afraid to be like Christ. (After all, look how He was treated.)

In the recent hype with the elections, I have read many Facebook status updates, many blog posts and emails of people not afraid to speak their mind on whichever candidate they find (or don't find) most capable. People not afraid to stand up for their beliefs, no matter if they are conservative or liberal.

And me? Aside from a couple of discussions with my immediate family members, I kept fairly quiet. It's not that I don't have strong opinions (a few of you who know me well will say, hey wait a minute... she knows how to speak her mind!) but I do hate conflict. (This is not to say I never get into conflict! I do! Just ask my husband!:)

Lately I have been pondering my purpose in life. And with that, my roles as a wife, mother, co-worker, etc... What career path should I take once my children are all in school? Should I wait until they are all in school? What other activities should I get my kids involved in? How should I balance my time between my family, myself, and God?

What does the future have in store? What does God have in store for me? For my family?

Most days I'm afraid to think about it.

But I'm working on it.