Friday, November 7, 2008


It's late, and I'm tired. However, it's my night off and the house is quiet, so I decided now might be a good time to write a post uninterrupted for a change. Perhaps I can get some things written down and off my mind so I will sleep better.

I've had trouble falling asleep for about as long as I can remember. It isn't always bad; the severity seems to come and go. But I've never been one to hit the pillow and conk out. When I was little, it was because I was afraid that the house would start on fire and I wouldn't be able to escape. Now that I'm older, I'm afraid of things like our house starting on fire and my kids not being able to escape. Seriously. At times it is nearly a paralyzing fear... either I fight to stay awake and listen to every sound, or I am afraid enough to lie there wide awake, staring at the door.

These fears (among others, but I won't go into them all, lest y'all think I'm entirely looney) are a big part of what prompted me to begin this blog in the first place. And so far, I've been pretty hush about it. Even my family - okay, even my husband - isn't that aware of it. Because I mostly keep it to myself.

A couple of weeks ago, I read a great post on Angie Smith's blog (Bring the Rain). Those of you who read her blog know that she has a rare gift for writing from her heart and truly reaching out to her readers. (Those of you not already reading her blog - I strongly recommend it! You will be blessed!)

I have spent a lot of time thinking about that post. And about fear. And how fear binds us. It keeps us from living a fulfilling life, a life of purpose. It becomes a big ugly excuse to not do things we feel prompted to do. We often justify not doing them because we are afraid. Or is it just me?

I doubt it. True, I may be a fearful person. I may even have some irrational fears (such as those little superstitious nagging thoughts about the decorative, colored prints on my daughters' diapers that my sister laughs at me about!:) However, I know I am not alone in this. (Well, I very well may be alone in the diaper-color fear!)

Another area of my life where I have been fearful is my faith. I tend to mainly keep it to myself. I have friends who would be surprised to hear that I love Jesus. (Especially if I were the one saying it, perhaps?) I know this comes partly from a fear of conflict, and a fear of others treating me differently because they think I will judge them or think I am better than them. It is truly sad that Christians have this reputation. And it is because of people like me... people who are afraid to be themselves. Afraid to speak. Afraid to act. Afraid to reach out in love. Afraid to be criticized. Afraid to appear "intolerant". Afraid to ruffle feathers. Afraid to be who they were meant to be. Afraid to be like Christ. (After all, look how He was treated.)

In the recent hype with the elections, I have read many Facebook status updates, many blog posts and emails of people not afraid to speak their mind on whichever candidate they find (or don't find) most capable. People not afraid to stand up for their beliefs, no matter if they are conservative or liberal.

And me? Aside from a couple of discussions with my immediate family members, I kept fairly quiet. It's not that I don't have strong opinions (a few of you who know me well will say, hey wait a minute... she knows how to speak her mind!) but I do hate conflict. (This is not to say I never get into conflict! I do! Just ask my husband!:)

Lately I have been pondering my purpose in life. And with that, my roles as a wife, mother, co-worker, etc... What career path should I take once my children are all in school? Should I wait until they are all in school? What other activities should I get my kids involved in? How should I balance my time between my family, myself, and God?

What does the future have in store? What does God have in store for me? For my family?

Most days I'm afraid to think about it.

But I'm working on it.


vaneblu said...

I just read your comment at Angie's blog... I totally felt the same way today, like they where so many things keeping me away from this... Praise the Lord because He has other plans, I totally did the 7 prayers today (my first day)!!

vaneblu said...

txs for stopping by also, actually I've been reading Mckmama's blog for sometime now, but saw the link to the salad on your blog and rechecked the salad again ;) I didnt have ALL the same ingredients because I live in Dominican Republic and they dont sell some of those things here, so a changed it a bit and it turned out great :D My hubby ate A LOT!!!!